Your Twitter friends

Ah, the wonderful world of Twitter. For the last year or so, I’ve found myself addicted, obsessed, and entertained by this new media darling. But over this time, I’ve also noticed some patterns emerging, and bordering on hilarity.

Of course, nothing should be inferred or implied. Any similarity to those living or dead (save for @wilw!) is entirely coincidental.

And rest assured, I’m guilty of quite a few of these myself.

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The TMIer – This person seemed normal, and you like making new, interesting friends. But a few days into following their feed, and you now know more about their bodily functions and various diseases than you do about yourself. Who knew 140 characters could read like an episode of “House”?

• sample: “OMG – yeast infections r so annoying!”, “This sore on my leg won’t go away”, and “Went 2 dr. Said nothing wrong. Going for second op.”
  

The Self-Important One – They don’t tweet often. And when they do, it’s mostly to belittle the Tweeters that do, or complain about people following them. And after a while, they’ve probably locked their posts. But you don’t care. It’s not like they ever say anything interesting, anyway. Come to think of it–why are you still following them?

• sample: “People annoy me.”, “I don’t even know why I have this account.”, “Thanks, but blocked.”

The Complainer – Be it sun, rain, snow, sleet, hail, or just a bad day at the office, this friend has something to complain about. In fact, you’ve started to wonder if this person might, in fact, only use Twitter to complain. Sometimes borders on suicidal, maniacal, and even a little deranged. Still, you stand by because… heck, they’re entertaining at least–and it’s good to know someone’s always more miserable than you.

• sample: “&*#@ it.”, “I don’t know why I keep doing this. Life sucks.”, “Fail Whale again. Figures.”, “This season of BSG just sucks.”

The WoW player – Like the TIMer, this Tweeter started out completely normal and, seemingly, harmless. Family guy, married, no drugs. Then, out of the blue, they start playing WoW, and now every tweet revolves around what’s going on in their Northrend quests, with no semblance to the guy you once knew.

• sample: “Bio break. Been playing 10hrs.”, “80 DK LFG–oh, wrong channel.”, “WTH, I hate my guild!”

Wil Wheaton – Everyone follows Wil Wheaton. They just do.

• sample:  “Too busy to stop for lunch today, brewed some green tea and made some Thai-style rice from the microwave. YES YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS. GOSH.”

The Drunk – One day you opened your browser up and discovered that an unassuming friend had imbibed a fifth of whisky, resulting in revealing to you his long-hidden desires to do very dirty things to you. Followed by adamant, and very drunken, apologies.You still stopped following him, anyway.

• sample: “Its so fun tow type drunk!”, “SUCK IT TWEETER!”, “I’m sorry… pls follw me back.”

The Stalker – Every tweet they make is wondering where @someone is. Every day. Multiple times, multiple people. It’s astonishing how creepy 140 characters or less can be.

• sample: “Where is @someone?”, “When was the last time anyone saw @someone?”, “I keep messaging @someone but they keep ignoring me. R They OK?!”, “Ten people stopped following me today. :(“

The Stoner – You’re not sure why you’re following them, other than their great non-sequiturs. They often reply to you days after something you tweeted, and so you have to sift through your updates to figure where in the heck they’re coming from. Often talk about Cheetos, Mountain Dew, and Pez. In no paritcular order.

• sample: “Did Obama win the election or wut?”, “Playing RockBand. Hilarious.”, “Never knew Schindler’s List was so funny.”, “Ok.”
  

The Couple – Some days your entire Tweet log is just between these two, who don’t seem to know there’s something called a direct message, let alone a telephone or an IM. As a result, you’re starting to feel like a kid with two divorcing parents. Or two parents who love each other a little too much when you’re around. Or like you’re stuck in an episode of “The Brady Bunch.”

• sample: “@wife Did you get bread at the grocery store?”, “@husband Y r such a jerk sometimes.”, “@significant other Let me know what the doctor says about the fertility treament.”

Any others you want to add? Comment away. 🙂